when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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