Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
