I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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