The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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