I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
