If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
