As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
