I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
