I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
