I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
