i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
