Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
