I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
