I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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