I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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