The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
