Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
