If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
