Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
