Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
