how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
