I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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