I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
