one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
