Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
