All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
