Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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