I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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