Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
