I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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