I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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