I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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