On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So many bounce houses so little time
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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