Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
