He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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