Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
