at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
