I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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