Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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