Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
