At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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