What did we do last night that was yellow?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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