I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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