I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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