peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
