Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
