Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
