I don't usually arrange sex via text message
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
