I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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