Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
