Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
