Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
