like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
