I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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