if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
