I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
