so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
