Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
