3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
